How I feel as a sexual assault victim (trigger warning)

This week has been really tough for me. When we began watching "The Hunting Ground" in small group on Monday, a lot of those emotions and memories began resurfacing. I have cried these past three days both in class and out of class. Even though it happened to me years ago, I still suffer PTSD from it. Before I tell my story, I am not going to name the boys who did it

It was the beginning of 8th grade. It was Friday after school and my friends and I went to Springer elementary school to hang out; about late afternoon three of them have left and it was just me and my friend. There were two boys there from Blach, the middle school I went to. In case anyone is wondering (not that it SHOULD matter), I was wearing a mini dress. My friends and I began talking to them, and since we all knew one another and had class together, I didn't expect anything bad to happen. But one of the boys turned to his friends and said "Don't you think it'll be fun to shove this [the ball in his hands] down her dress?" His friend nodded and the both of them gave me this look.

I don't know how to describe it, but I knew something was very wrong. I told both of them to quit joking around, but they started running at me. So my first reaction was to run and maybe to them, that made it more fun. I ran to one of the classroom, hoping to find a teacher, but the door was locked. Both of them cornered me, grabbed me, and began taking off my dress. I was screaming, but one of them covered my mouth. What made it worse was that my friend was there, but instead of helping me, she was filming it on her phone. I don't remember how, but I somehow broke free by kicking one of them. I tried to run as far as I could away from them, and luckily, my mom already arrived to pick me up. I remember getting in the car and watching the two boys stopped chasing me and watching me leave. I still remember my mom bombarding me with question of why my hair was a mess, why my bra strap was to side, and why I was crying.

That monday I went to school like nothing was wrong, but being in the same class with him was hard. I wanted to die. I felt dirty, violated, worthless. What made it worse was during passing periods. When school was let out, I remember he approached me and told me "Go ahead and tell your friends, but do you really think someone will believe you?" When I told one of my closest friends at that time, she ended our friendship because one of the guy who sexually assaulted me was her childhood/family friend and her crush. She didn't believe me, and instead, blamed me for wearing a dress and being too "Slutty" My other friend who was there and took the video deleted it after I got mad at her for showing it to other people as a joke.

When we learned about sexual harassment, assault, and rape in health class, I was crying. The teacher allowed me to sit out during that unit and advised me to see a CHAC counselor. I never once told any of the staff or teachers at my school nor did I tell my counselors. I continued the rest of year with panic attacks every time I saw him in class and in the hallways.

Having PTSD is taxing, and I want to clear up that I'm not just saying I have PTSD. I was diagnosed with PTSD in Freshman year. I still get nightmares every now and then. One of the most challenging thing for me is trusting guys. I am aware that not all guys are predators, but my body and my nervous system react to them differently. When I'm alone with a guy, I am overwhelmed with the fear that I will get assaulted. I don't feel comfortable having physically interactions with guys even if it's just a hug. I am working really hard to get past that fear, but I still end up getting anxiety attack or a full blown panic attack.

So watching this documentary has been really hard for me. Although I was not raped like the girls in the documentary, I could relate to a lot to how they felt. And for the past three days in class, I felt like I was re-living my assault. Just making this post makes me anxious and scared. In small group, I wonder if I should say something about my own experience, but I'm still afraid that someone will tell me that I'm wrong or that people here would never do such a thing. Even right now, I feel crazy for even typing down my story, but in many ways this documentary gave me the courage to speak up.

. . . .

Extra side note: The friend that ended our friendship reached out to me when was sexually assaulted by the same guys a year later. That childhood/family friend initiated it. To respect her privacy, I will not talk about her story, but she was hospitalized a few days after the incident due to a suicide attempt. Her parents did not press charges on the boys who did this to her. Instead, her parents told her to just forget it because the guy's parent and her parent's have been close since college. I still wonder to myself if there are any other girls that was assaulted by him.